So, I’m driving towards Phoenix. It’s late and instead of messing around with Airbnb I did the old-fashioned thing and stopped at a motel for the night.
Perhaps that’s what triggered the sense of insecurity and isolation this morning. Or maybe it was the first email I opened: the cancellation of a talk I had planned in November. Or maybe it’s simply the fact that I’m on the road with my ass swinging in the wind, unsure what I’m doing.
When The E Word came out I had the feeling that following the crowd doing the marketing fandango wasn’t for me. I had the feeling that teaching in the acceptable known way wasn’t for me. I had the feeling that I should hit the road and not settle in one place.
All these vague feelings lead me to this motel room this morning. I don’t even know where I am, geographically, except that I’m somewhere in the Arizona desert near Phoenix. (Isn’t that appropriate!)
There’s nothing physical in my life right now to give me a sense of security and support. No home (everything’s in storage) no blood family (everybody’s dead) no pets (it wouldn’t be fair) uncertain income (yikes!) and I quit drinking a year ago (my good friend vodka—I could always depend on you to make me feel better … oops. NOT TRUE! Booze was the good friend I could always depend on to stop me from feeling anything! Not the best pal when your goal is to be fully awake, don’t ya know?)
This is not a boohoo – just the facts. (Don’t worry – I have a TON of amazing supportive friends!) The point I’m trying to make is, all the usual physical stuff a human can depend on for support is absent. Which means I’ve got to totally rely upon the felt sense of things as my guide.
And what was the felt sense of things as, filled with uncertainty, I looked at myself in the mirror this morning?
Dive into your new creation my inner being prompted. (My FB live show Egotrippia.) Go live. Right now! Do it! Expose yourself! Expose the fear! Expose your weak moment! Standing around on stage lecturing about the ego, ain’t the path! Standing on stage, people will think you’ve got your shit together 24/7 and that is just not the truth. You’re a human being, just like everybody else. Expose the whole deal—the greatness and the terribleness, the ecstasy and the agony of being human. Shy away from nothing! Thumb your nose at the shadows and then all that’s left is the Light! Do it!
And so I did.
I went out on FB live and talked about feeling scared. (http://bit.ly/egotrippia) I invited the world in. And a fellow author from Ireland popped in for a chat. Then I ran across the poem below on FB and connected with the author, Fred LaMotte and asked permission to use it. I reached out and the world reached back. Connections were made. Who knows what actions will follow these connections … what the ripple effects will be? Sure as shit I no longer feel scared and uncertain! I feel empowered!!!!
This is life … and life is about choosing … moment to moment to moment, what you feel and how you’re going to show up. Nothing more, nothing less.
Poem by Fred LaMotte
Flowers of emptiness
in a garden of tears.
Gather them, they are real,
they have the fragrance
You chose this world,
but that doesn’t mean
there was any other.
Wanting to be elsewhere
is more painful than the bruise
of embracing sacred sorrow.
Friend, here’s the question:
how will you make
golden honey of it?
How will you walk
upon the one essential earth?
As a Victim
or a Lover?
Fred is the author of Wounded Bud and Savor Eternity One Moment at A Time. Check them out on Amazon.com!