Since I cut loose and ran off to the Arizona desert in March I’ve been on a roll. All the heaviness of 80-hour weeks prepping for a book launch that fell flat—all the horrible self-judgment and feelings of failure because I didn’t sell 5,000 copies in the first month (the gold standard is 25,000 pre-sold before launch) — fell away.
I remembered what it was like to breathe cold dry air and inhale the freedom of vast expanses filled with nothing but distant up-thrust mesas, sand and sky. To sit for days and do nothing … no meditation, no “contemplation,” no trying to figure shit out or “raise my vibration.” Nada. Nothing.
Empty. Alone. Alive.
Wow. I said that word a thousand times as I re-introduced myself to life—the world I came here to dance, create and love in. Clicking off the miles from one jaw-dropping vista to the next, my emotions gradually lifted from frustration tinged with despair flavored with dullness to … grateful … then peaceful … then awed. Finally a tender little sense of happiness flickered in.
Maybe I’d survive the publishing game in its current state of insanity with my soul intact after all.
Sixteen days have passed since my return to what I used to call “home” —a city not a residence (all my stuff is in storage and I’m house sitting for the friend that opened her Greek island home to me two summers ago to write The E Word.) It’s a gig that will end July 20th with a big fat ?
It’s clear my 25-year stint in the Pacific Northwest is over. But I have no idea where to go next because there is no pull … no clear call. So I consciously sit at the temporary craft table set in front of the French doors in my friend’s palatial living room as I work … and radiate contentment.
I feed the dog and evoke gratitude. I cook dinner and conjure excitement. Peacefulness and harmony. The sense of arrival in the right place. Comfort. Appreciation. Beauty. Boldness. Adventure. I conjure the feelings and hold them, over and over and over … driving to the store, sweeping the floor, brushing my teeth at night.
Where to next? The answer will match the vibration I hold.
It’s not easy. My finances are as uncertain as my heart, and July 20th is not that far away. The habit of fear flutters in my chest. Anxiety seeks to clutch my throat. Doubt lingers in the doorway, a dark shade, waiting.
It’s so easy to let the vibe falter. So very very easy … because we normally live from the OUTSIDE IN.
A glance at my bank statement holds far more “realness” than the newfound joy in my heart. The outrageous rent prices on Craigslist in places I think I’d like to be (California?) are lead weights on the fragile buoy of hope … housesitting has become a business triggering thoughts of fear and competition once again.
Breathe Cate. Dance. Know. Trust. Feel what you want to feel. Ignore EVERYTHING else. Seeing may be believing … but it’s not creation. It’s a dead end. Turn your back on the old monsters. They’re as tired of you as you are of them.
You know what to do.
Live from the INSIDE OUT. Feel your way to what you want. Feeling is the key … the only way out. The only way to pass GO!
Live from the INSIDE out … and see where it takes you.